Squidward's Secret
by Woe is Me
Summary: Spongebob and Patrick discover Squidward's secret love life. Who is the lucky lady? Very well-written, good spelling, wonderful grammar, and easy to read. Rated PG for mild baldness.


**A/N:** This is my new fic! I hope you enjoy it! I worked really hard on it! Please review and let me know what you think of my story!

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Spongebob and Patrick stood giggling in front of Squidward's house.  
  
"Wanna go inside and give Squid a super happy peppy dance?" Spongebob asked excitedly.  
  
"What's the occasion?" Patrick asked.  
  
"Nothing!" Spongebob screamed, throwing his arms up into the air happily.  
  
"Yeah! Let's do it!" Patrick laughed.  
  
Spongebob continuously pressed the doorbell and Patrick pounded loudly on Squidward's front door. "SQUIDWARD! OH, SQUIDWARD!" they yelled.  
  
Squidward stuck his head out the window. "What do you two want? I'm soaking in the tub, go away!"  
  
"But we want to give you a super happy peppy dance!" Patrick called.  
  
"GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Squidward slammed the window shut.  
  
"Now what are we going to do?" Spongebob asked sadly.  
  
"Let's go get some ice cream!"  
  
"You already had thirteen ice cream cones!"  
  
"Then let's make it fourteen!"  
  
"Pat, do you ever wonder why Squid always so down in the dumps?" Spongebob asked.  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"You know, let's go ask him."  
  
Spongebob went up to the door and turned the knob. "Hey it's open!"  
  
The two friends went inside.  
  
Patrick and Spongebob went upstairs.  
  
"Are you lonesome tonight? Are you lonely tonight?" Patrick and Spongebob heard Squidward singing the old hit Elvis song in the tub. The two stood outside the bathroom door.  
  
"Hey! Let's wait till Squidward comes out and surprise him with our super happy peppy dance!" Spongebob said.  
  
"Let's practice!" Patrick said.  
  
Spongebob and Patrick spun around like idiots for five minutes straight, then landed in a split and said, "Ta-dah!"  
  
Spongebob stood up, dusted himself up, and looked at the photos in the three picture frames sitting on a table near the bathroom.  
  
In the pictures, there was a photo of Squidward frowning at the Krusty Krab, a miniature painting of Squidward frowning, and another photo that baffled Spongebob.  
  
In the picture, Squidward was standing with his arm around a beautiful mermaid. The mermaid was holding a whale baby girl wrapped up in a cozy blanket.  
  
"Hey Pat, who the heck is Squid standing with?" Spongebob asked.  
  
"Beats me," Patrick said.  
  
Just then Squidward opened the bathroom door. Delicious, tingly hot steam erupted from the room. Squidward was wearing a white soft bath robe and a towel wrapped neatly over his bald shining head.  
  
"Oooooh, you look clean. I like clean," Patrick said. He went up to Squidward and licked him. "Mmmmmmmmm."  
  
"Spongebob! Patrick! What are you two doing here!?! And STOP LICKING ME!" Squidward screamed, pushing the pink starfish away from him.  
  
"Hey Squid? I have a question for you. Who're these people?" Spongebob asked, putting the picture with the mermaid in Squidward's face.  
  
Squidward suddenly frowned and his eyes filled with tears. "Nobody! They're nobody!"  
  
"But I see the picture! There's a mermaid and a baby whale!" Spongebob exclaimed.  
  
"It's nobody!"  
  
"But it is!"  
  
"Nobody!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"It's nobody, got it!"  
  
Spongebob quickly put his glasses on. "But I still see these two unknown people!"  
  
"Lemme see," Patrick said, looking at the picture. "Yeah, I see a mermaid and a baby whale girl."  
  
Squidward sighed and trudged downstairs and slipped into his armchair in front of the TV. Spongebob and Patrick followed and sat down on the couch next to hm.  
  
"The story starts a long, long time ago. I was in high school. I remember it perfectly...  
  
The scene waves and now you will watch a flashback  
  
Squidward is standing in his high school parking lot, leaning against his boat laughing with a couple of his buds. Squid's has brown wavy hair and is wearing a leather jacket. Two beautiful girls walk by and wave at Squidward. Squidward clicks his teeth and points at the girls. The chicks giggle embarrassedly and run away. Apparently Squidward is certainly the handsome stud.  
  
Just then a red boat skids right outside the school. A high-pitched noise pierced the air.  
  
"Hey dude, let's leave. It's the end of the school anyways, and that dork in that flat boat is gonna block the road and start a traffic jam. Let's split, Squidman," one of Squidward's friend said.  
  
"I bet it's a chick. I better make sure she's OK," Squidward said. "Whatever. Bye," Squid's bud said, leaving and waving.  
  
Squidward walked up to the boat.  
  
"Hey, uh, what seems to be the problem?" Squidward asked.  
  
A girl's voice came from the car. "Yeah, I think I just got a flat tire."  
  
Squidward knelt down and didn't bother to glance at the girl's face.  
  
"Yeah, it's just a flat. I got a spare tire in my trunk, I'll go get it and replace this," Squidward said.  
  
Three hours later, when the school was empty, Squidward finished with the boat. His face was black and his hands were greasy. He mopped at his sweaty forehead.  
  
"Well, all done," Squidward said. Just then, a gorgeous mermaid swam out of the boat. She had blonde hair that was waved, crimped, and flowed down to her slender pretty waist. She had a pink fin and purple shells.  
  
"Thank you so much sir. Hi, I'm Laura," the mermaid said.  
  
Flashback ends  
  
"Anyways, we fell in love, got married after college, and adopted a beautiful baby girl whale. We never agreed on a name though. We adopted because I was unable to make the baby because of my many tentacles. And then, Laura left me," Squidward said. He wiped away a tear that had erupted from a corner of his eye.  
  
"Why did she leave you?" Spongebob asked.  
  
Squidward took the towel of his head. "My hair loss. Laura took the baby one month after we had her, and remarried some red, sweaty cheapskate, I bet."  
  
Just then the doorbell rang.  
  
"Uh-oh! Company!"  
  
Squidward ran upstairs and changed and then ran downstairs and opened the door.  
  
It was Mr. Krabs.  
  
"Hello Squidward. Well, my wife just got back from her three-year-long vacation to Vegas!" Krabs said.  
  
Suddenly, Laura floated beside Krabs!  
  
"LAURA?!?" Squidward screamed.  
  
Then Pearl ran up next to her daddy.  
  
"Hi Squidward!"  
  
"Laura? You married my boss! And Pearl? You're really MY baby!"  
  
Squidward hugged Pearl and kissed her. "Daddy? Help?" Pearl asked, looking longingly at Krabs.  
  
"Squidward? What do you think you're doing?" Krabs demanded angrily.  
  
"I was Laura's first husband!" Squidward said, looking tearfully at his old, beautiful wife.  
  
Krabs was a bit angry right now for not knowing this before from Laura.  
  
"Look, Tentacles! It doesn't matter now! Laura's my wife, and I'm her one and only husband right now!" Krabs yelled angrily.  
  
Laura patted Krabs' shoulder. "Actually, Eugene...I married three hot young men in Vegas," Laura admitted.  
  
"WHAT?!?" Mr. Krabs shrieked.  
  
Pearl hugged Laura. "But Mommy! I'm still your only princess, right?"  
  
"Uh, well actually, I have six more children right now," Laura said.  
  
Pearl ran off howling and crying. Mr. Krabs sobbed and left.  
  
Laura cuddled up next to Squidward. "You know, we can always get back together."  
  
"Never! You are one unfaithful dishonest woman, and my heart will not be broken again just because I'm a baldie!" Squidward slammed the door in Laura's face.  
  
Spongebob and Patrick had been watching this scene from the sofa speechless, sucking it all in.  
  
"Well, now you two know the secrets of my love life. SO GO AWAY!" Squidward yelled. He kicked the two out the door.  
  
"Well, what do you want to do now?" Patrick asked.  
  
"I know!"  
  
The two friends started spinning again.  
  
_**THE END**_

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed my story! Please review! 


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